Your Search History Might Be an OCD Compulsion.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a condition marked by obsessive and repetitive intrusive thoughts, high anxiety, and acting out compulsions to quell that anxiety. If OCD meant just being clean and organized, then we’d all probably want a bit of the disorder in our day to day. Unfortunately OCD is far more disruptive than a little tidying up, and it's starting to really take off when it comes to new technology like google searches and AI.
I am no stranger to the desperation that is OCD. I experienced my first obsessions and compulsions in the second grade. It began as magical thinking: “What if I swallow my spit and I choke to death?” Solution: never swallow any spit. To an 8 year old, that was enough certainty to keep the fear at bay, but also pretty gross when you think of a little girl spitting all the time and having no idea why. So, it was actually pretty maladaptive for day to day life.
OCD has the ability to be quite sneaky in nature. Someone experiencing sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD) will be overly concerned that their sexuality is not actually the sexuality they’ve been identifying with. Now, this is common for most people and sexual exploration is a natural part of human development, but for someone with OCD it unveils that you weren’t so certain afterall and thus a flawed being. For example, someone who has always been straight may suddenly feel a deep anguish towards the thought “maybe I’m gay?” and vice versa.
Relationship OCD (ROCD) can be similar. “I’ve been dating my partner for years, but what if I’m not actually attracted to them?”. The fear isn’t necessarily the relationship or the sexual orientation, but is actually the uncertainty that comes with them. “Is this me? Or is that what that intrusive thought, me? And if I am the intrusive thought, then what does that mean about me”? OCD also has more than 20 subtypes featuring but not limited to contamination, symmetrical, checking, counting, and even suicidal themes. Quite the rabbit hole!
And what do we do with uncertainty? Accept it and choose to trust ourselves? No, silly! Not with OCD! Compulsions come in to help search for answers: checking bodily responses, reviewing memories, google searching, and quizzes, asking others what they think, etc. OCD refuses to accept uncertainty as an answer. Somewhere in our nervous system, we learned that uncertainty is what causes us great pain, and we developed a system to avoid it. The internet, in turn, developed a system to benefit from your overwhelming anxiety and need for reassurance. Reddit and forum sites are common areas for compulsions to take place: seeking similar experiences in the hopes of a finite answer for hours or posting online to receive affirmation. Online quiz sites such as Buzzfeed, Marriage.com, or just about any quiz available also fuel compulsions and the search for “truth” outside of ourselves, and now we have AI.
Artificial intelligence is quickly becoming an aspect of everyday conversation, whether you are for it or against it. For those who suffer with OCD, AI services are the affirmation farms they have been seeking. AI bots are formed off of your internet algorithm and built to be positive and affirming towards the user. There is finally a robot you can text and ask “do I really want to hurt my family?” (Harm OCD). AI bots are essentially an enabling family member or friend. It doesn’t exactly know how to help you, and tends to end up making things worse.
Tiktok and other scrollable content like facebook and instagram are also fueling the OCD compulsion fire. I saw a post that said “if you scroll past this, you’ll lose a major life opportunity” and suddenly I found myself in 2005 again, reading a chain mail message that was threatening to give me a lifetime of bad luck. Of course I immediately forwarded it to the ten people required. There are also common posts like “10 Signs You’re Actually Gay”, “These Qualities Mark a Bad Relationship” “Common items that burn down your house”, “Ways to Avoid Airborne Illnesses”... you get the point. Before you know it, it's been three hours and you feel worse than when you got on your phone in the first place.
Uncertainty is OCD’s worst enemy, and through treatment, we can make it our best friend in order to move through it and build trust in our own experiences. First, we learn to sit with the pain of being uncertain, learn we can tolerate it, and then go from there. There is no AI bot or Instagram Reel that can give you the answer you’re looking for, and so maybe it’s time to stop looking for relief online and start looking for tolerance, trust, and kindness within.
The easiest way to start finding relief in OCD is to befriend the word and concept of “Maybe!”. Maybe I will get my whole family sick, maybe I did hit someone with my car, maybe I didn’t pray enough, maybe the symmetry wasn’t ‘just right’, maybe writing this will make all of that happen”.
Maybe, you’ll figure it out anyways.
